Last night

I went to bed early last night to be in bed with my girlfriend. She wanted to cuddle some before leaving town for a few days. I agreed and forced myself to fall asleep way before my normal bedtime. Why is this important you are beginning to ask yourself. It's important because whenever I sleep too much, as I had done the night before, and then force myself to fall asleep early again the following night, I have terrible dreams and wake up in terror sometimes.

So last night I woke up to a man standing in my room no more than three feet from my head. I opened my eyes and saw him standing there with straw for hair and very crooked teeth. His face was looking directly at me and I quickly shot my arm over to where my lamp was an flicked it on. Of course nothing was actually in my room but so help me Jesus I thought I was waking up to a scarecrow in my room.

This has made me think of a friend who used to live on the East Coast. He has told me that in the house he grew up in, he would often wake from sleep standing straight up and the foot of his own bed. This left me with a sick pit in my stomach envisioning him as a child with the sheets on his bed torn about from terrible feelings of paranoia and waking up slowly to the realization that you are not in your own bed, but standing at the foot of it. Sleep standing.
He also told me that the alarm clock radio next to his bed used to make screeching noises randomly in the middle of the night. He would wake to something screaming bloody murder and then have to act like everything in the room was cool and he was not freaked out at all. His dreams were nothing but freaky as well. At the moment I cannot recall a specific dream he told me about but they all involved his own death or someone in his family dying. Then he'd wake at the foot of his bed.

Puppy tears

I finally told my dog how big of a bitch his mother was.

Mr. Kazoo

It was yesterday that I witnessed a man with a kazoo and a murder of crows. I just finished purchasing a lotto ticket and as I was walking out the door of the liquor store, I heard a kazoo. Now I should explain that where I live, we don’t often hear kazoos. I watched as this man walked down the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street tooting this kazoo for the crows behind him. In his left hand was a bag of food. On his right hand was a latex glove. He would blow the kazoo and point with his entire right arm in the direction he wanted these crows to fly. He would reward them by placing whatever food he had in the bag on the ground for them. I watched him for  a moment with an obvious stance. I did not care if he saw me looking at him and his birds. This was a rare sight.

He would blow the kazoo and point with his arm many more times before crossing the street. The birds only feet behind him flying up from where he just laid food and up to wherever he was pointing. Ask he crossed the street he looked back over his shoulder for the first time I saw (to check if the birds were even still following him I presume) and gave a quick melody on the kazoo. I hate to use that word as it was more like someone trying to forcefully blow up an industrial size balloon. He pointed across to the store I just left and didn’t let his arm down until through the doors. By this point I had moved out of his way and waited to see if the crows would follow this scarecrow looking individual in. They did not so I left for home.

Yep.

No Running

The other day I went to the water slides. I will admit that this is not a park aimed at anyone old enough to have facial hair but I still go because I CAN. Now I’ve been to this park before and what attracts me every year is the thrill of going up and over the edge. It’s a legitimate thrill to have. Before each trip down the slide, I imagine the faces of small children running (as walking is never an option when water slides are involved) up the stairs as they witness me exploding from the hairpin turn up and over their incredibly tiny bodies with a monsoon of heavy water falling beneath me as they are awe struck at the grown man flying over them, free from the slide and giving them one wicked wink from my left eye. I can see in this delusion of grandeur the metamorphosis from panic to jealousy splash across their bare skin little faces. Yes I am a child. Yes I asked my girlfriend to apply a generous amount of sunscreen to my back. Yes it makes you slide faster. No you cannot have my autograph.

Anyhow. The real reason I started this post was to talk about what I witnessed from the “jacuzzi” after having gone down many slides. Side note. If you are someone that puts words in quotation marks because you think it makes things “official” or “proper”, you’re doing it wrong and you should “stop breathing”. Immediately.

Now I was getting out of said warm piss pool when it happened so I totally had the opportunity to help this kid out. I didn’t. I watched him look around for faces of people gasping at what just happened to see if crying should then happen. You know that annoying thing children do. No one else saw what I did so the kid picked himself up and hobbled off. I wanted to help that kid but I couldn’t because I am a grown man with a messy beard and tattoos. For all I know, this kid could have bad memories of someone with a messy beard and tattoos. Kind of like a pound dog. You always mean well by adopting some poor pup but YOU HAVE NO IDEA what that dog has seen. You could be eating an orange one day and BAM, the dog goes Cujo on you because his previous owner used to squirt orange peel mist into his dog’s eyes.

I also had no idea what I could have offered that kid in terms of medical help. Uh, here you go little guy I cured you with my magical powers! Imagine me grabbing at some little boy’s leg. Him crying and me towering over him in his wet swim trunks pretending that I know exactly what to do when a little kid disobeys ALLLL the signs around the park that warn of the dangers from running and ends up on his ass. There are so many signs. So many. Does he really give a shit though? Absolutely not. His mom just stuffed him full of crappy pizza and turned him loose in a confined area with tall fences. She’s over in a cabana passed out. The moment her face touched the sun bleached plastic of the folding chair she was OUT. Stoked to be away from the little demon she just let wild in the park. Here legs bent awkwardly like a ostrich through that plastic ribbon crap of pool chairs and a little dribble coming from the corner of her mouth. Her bathing suit is wedged so far up her mom ass. She gives no fucks.

So I walked right on by him proud that my adult mind assessed the situation and handled it by way of rational thought. Something little kids hyped on blue neon crazy slushy juice would never understand.

Let's get this restarted

Hi.

I want this blog to be fun. I want to write about all the little things that take place in my head. The stories I’ve accumulated over the years and some of the things I’ve made up. My many desires in life, including my newest fascination with the idea of being a stand up comic. The dreams I have that leave me so very confused in the morning time. Lots. I want to post at least one thing a week and hopefully more. I figure that during the winter months I will be posting a fair amount more than in the summer months.

With all that being said, I want to start things off with an observation I had the other night. I was lying on my bed watching Louis CK and it occurred to me that the Internet is AMAZING. Lying there, I realized that the small 17” screen on the desk across the room from my bed acted more like a portal than a projector. I immediately thought this observation was ridiculous. It’s a computer monitor playing a stand-up special I have seen dozens of times. But it’s not all that ridiculous when compared with life of even 25 years ago. The ability to lie on my bed and not have to move while being entertained is AMAZING. I think about farm life or even pioneers and what sorts of lives those people live and I can’t help but laugh. They did what for fun? They didn’t do shit for fun is the answer. I often times sit at my computer desk BORED. Why am I so bored with everything?! It’s ridiculous to me that I am bored when there is SOOO much to look at online. Let’s think about Mr. Pioneer again for a second. Most of these people probably dug holes for fun. They put steel bars sticking straight up out of the earth and threw used horse shoes at them. OR maybe fun for them was finding a wish bone of tree limbs and walking around until the point stuck into the ground. The fun part being that it stuck in the ground. That’s it. And that shit was fun for them (or at least hypothetically). Who knows though, maybe fun for them was peeling the skin off fox skulls and licking cow eyeballs. Or maybe fun was shitting on the bench of your neighbors wagon or sticking their dick into a horse’s ass. Who knows.

What I am getting at is that we have so much CRAP in this world and none of it matters. Not a single thing matters. Try and name two things that you would literally die if you did not have. Don’t be petty and say food or shelter either you twat.