Why the American Bald Eagle is an asshole

So you know that bird that's the representation of all things America? I forget its name. Hold on, let me turn on Fox TV. No wrong channel. Just a bunch of meerkats eating beetles on that channel. Ah here we go. The Discovery channel. The "is running out of ideas channel" has a program they've been running for far too long now called the Deadliest Catch. Quick side question. How do you think fame has affected some of the egos on those guys? I can imagine that some are still humble but some are giant Macy's Day Parade floats with heads as distorted and bulbous as Goofy...or worse—Pikachu! That thing is almost pure round. HA

So my father knows some of the guys from that Deadliest Catch as he is in the marine electronics field up in Dutch Harbor. I bring him up in context of that show only for the geographical reference (okay secretly I like to snicker when he says Sig is a nice guy).

Here is what Alaska is like

I called him on the phone today and in between the lag that happens when two cell phones communicate from that distance he told me a story that made my eyes water with laughter.

RETURN OF THE BALD EAGLE! So he tells me that yesterday he was walking from building to building in town and had his hat and glasses ripped from his head. The way he described it is what made me laugh. Let me take a quick detour and explain my father. He is simple and humble. Okay so he tells me this bird smacks him in the back of the head and he thinks to himself what the heck. Given that this is not his first year up in Dutch Harbor he quickly assesses that the thump was the result of talons from an eagle grasping at his hat. The bird flies off but not too far. It perches itself on a light post and my father proceeds to wait. In his wisdom he just waits. He knows the bird will eventually release his hat and glasses from his clutches. Plus he really likes that hat (which to add further depth to his character, you need to know was free...maybe 10 years ago).

I laugh at this part as I imagine this bird (do you fully grasp just how large bald eagles actually are? Try an 8 foot wing span) looking down at my father and almost taunting him. He takes the hat and glasses into one foot (what do you call bird feet? When I think of feet I certainly don't think of several inch-long razor-sharp talons) and dangles it. I got yo bitch ass hat Todd, what you gon' do 'bout it?

The bird eventually drops the items and they both go on with their day.

He then tells me about a person who was attacked (let's face it, probably the same stupid bird) and badly. This time the eagle used those talons to dig into the scalp of this poor person and did some work. Anyhow, the person goes to the hospital and gets stitches. On the way back to their house the bird strikes AGAIN. I laugh but also cringe at the thought of a 15+ pound bird dropping down onto my head a fierce battle cry and hot serrated blades.

This is my father. Bald Eagle for scale.

Because shit is funny