My dog needs to see my face in order to shit

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk just so I could yell at him and then afterward explain to him in a calm and parental voice why I would gladly choose any other dog besides the shitty creature I adopted that can't seem to poop in the backyard. I hate how he makes me go stand out next to him in order to take a crap. I know he needs me to poop because I watch him from my window. He will sit forEVER at the gate just looking through. His stupid little dog brain associating the closed gate to his previous owners abandoning him. I have no intent of shutting the door to the yard permanently and just leaving him outside. Like I forgot completely that I have a backyard altogether and when I look out the window from my room, really what I am looking at is just some grass that grows in a space next to the house. But how can I tell him that?

The other day he was outside and I needed to grab something from the shed. Now, I had put him outside earlier because I knew he had to poop but had forgotten he was outside. I opened the gate and walked to the shed and in that brief few steps from the gate to the door, he spun around and headed to the middle of the yard to poop. I came out of the shed and there he was, arched back and pushing. His tail straight out and just piles of crap coming out of him that he'd been saving for days.

At this point you might be asking how I know he has to poop. Well it's quite simple. His tail bounces more and exposes his pink starfish sphincter. Sometimes he has to poop so bad that I see him prairie dogging it. I can actually see him sucking it back in. It often times looks like a fish gasping for air each time he tightens up. HA. This imagery makes me laugh every time. Because of just how DUMB a creature can be. JUST GO SHIT! I SWEAR THINGS WILL BE OKAY! OMG SHIT! PLEASE JUST DO THIS ONE SHITTY THING!

Still, he won't poop without me there. Even when the shit is already pretty much coming out all on its own. His body is telling him to evacuate the chamber but no, he holds firm until he sees my face. Then he can poop in comfort.

He's a miserable thing.

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