So the other day I was at Trader Joe's looking for cheese. I wanted to make a pizza and since I am gluten free, I wandered over and picked up some gluten free pizza dough. I remembered that the previous time I made pizza, I purchased one of those packages that has pre-sliced mozzarella and how terrible the gas was afterwards. This time I thought, I'd look for something that was maybe dairy free and being that I was at Trader Joe's, naturally the only cheese I could find that was dairy free, also happened to be Vegan. No big deal I thought.
I had a small laugh at the adjectives listed in bold italicized lettering on the front: "Stretches and Melts!" is what it said.
I knew from the need to say that this "cheese" stretches and melts that it was going to suck. I pictured a round table of creative minds from this company sitting around and knowing that their product is just the crappiest thing ever invented but still needing to fill the empty space on the packaging. I mean, what possibly interesting attention grabbing thing could there be to say about Vegan dairy free cheese?
I purchased the stuff anyways because. I wanted to say I purchased the cheese because I'm a risk taker. That's really what I wanted to say but some "risks" don't belong in the risk taking category with things like oh I don't know, bungee jumping or swimming in a black wetsuit off seal island where those great white sharks leap from the ocean.You know, for scientific reasons you let a team of shark biologists tie a rope around your neck and drag you behind their boat to see if a great white will breach. Both of those are valid everyday risks, okay?
Anyhow, I get home and am excited about the pizza. My mouth is salivating at the smell coming from the oven. Long story short, the timer goes off and I pull the pizza out. I always let it set for a minute or two before I cut it up. Makes the fingers less burned feeling.
I look at this cheese crap, and know that it cannot possible be good. I roll the pizza wheel to cut the larger dough down to size and the cheese sticks to the wheel. So now I have more cheese on the wheel than I do on the pizza. The sauce is super hot and I'm trying to de-clump the wheel and put the crap back on the pizza. I'm doing that dance you do when something is hot. You know, where you begin to river dance the pain away.
I get the cheese back on the pizza and take my first bite. First off, the cheese tastes horrible. Shouldn't even be in the cheese section. It should have been in the gum section next to Big League Chew. It sticks to my teeth, plasters itself to my gums and is impossible to scrape off. I take a few more bites thinking that well maybe I will just suffer through this horrendous pizza and call it good. As the cheese begins to cool the flavor goes from barely acceptable to absolutely disgusting.
HA, I just realized that as I am typing this out, I am talking shit about PIZZA. How ludicrous is that? I get to eat pizza because I'm an adult in America that can purchase the ingredients and make it for myself. There are people on this very same planet that drink blood from the neck of cows. Here I am complaining that the cheese I purchased with my own money at the grocery store around the corner from my house wasn't very tasty. That I've had better. Booo whhhooooooo.
Basically, all I am getting at is that the cheese sucked and I gave it to my dog. Who didn't like it either by the way.
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