My new favorite person

"Why do you have to be such a suck fuck all the time?"
This is one of the first things I heard out of the mouth of a very tall man, leaning against his work van, smoking his cigarette, and harassing another coworker who was just dropped off.


Let me explain. So I recently landed a new job; a blue-collar job installing various "weatherization" elements to homes. It's unlike any other job I've ever had, in that everyday I am privileged with hearing this man say some of the most eloquent insults I've ever heard. As a college graduate (with a degree in English, and dreams of landing one of those AMAZING jobs that don't exist) I've never had direct contact with the type of men who work as roofers. It takes a special breed of person to roof homes, especially up here in the PNW. The homes battle constantly against mold and it's not all that uncommon to drive around and see shingles with a sheen of green (that often becomes quite slippery when wet).

I'm getting off topic now. So back to the "suck fuck" man. I've been at this job for exactly three days now and have debated starting a Twitter account just to post the things he says. A group of five of us (I use that term loosely as I was not really in any circle with them, but standing back a bit and peering in at their tight-nit circle) were outside in the cold morning. One of the roofers turns to this tall man and asks him when the last time he Googled himself was. The tall man said, "I ainght never fuckin Googled myself. Why the fuck would I fuckin Google myself? What the fuck does that shit even fuckin mean?" The first guy explains that he was looking over the local jail's roster online the previous night and found someone he knew. The tall man knew this person as well, and the both of them shared that "hahaha it's about time that crazy motherfucker wound up in jail" laugh. So the first guy says to the tall man that after he found that online roster, he Googled his own name and a very long list of all the crimes he had committed popped up. "No fuckin shit?! Just like that huh? For the whole motherfuckin world to see? Your shit is just out there? Ainght that some fuckin shit! I don't believe yo dick ass though." So the first guy eggs him on. He tells the tall man to Google his name. The tall man pulls out his phone and falls silent for about 30 seconds. He randomly explodes with, "No way! How the fuck do they know that?! What! No man! I ainght told no fuckin one about that shit!"

Meanwhile, I am just standing there looking in a different direction now, and simply listening to him talk. I love it! Never before have I encountered such a person. Nearly everything he explains has the word fuck somehow attached to it. In no way am I saying that I am naive and never heard someone say "fuck" before. What I'm saying is that I've never heard someone use it quite like this tall man. He doesn't know it, but he's my new favorite person to listen talk.

So far in the three days I've been with this company, I've heard him say the following:
- The word "ass dick"
- "That shit was on there tighter than a pair of fuck nuts."
-"With your no work fuckin ass"

I should explain that I don't work with this tall man. I only see him for about five minutes a day while he waits for the rest of his crew to show up. After that, the crew I am on and his crew go separate ways. I can tell he is the type of guy that everyone listens to on his crew. I don't think he is in charge, but the way he carries himself tells everyone that he is that "alpha" type. He seems like a jovial person. That last three days I've seen him, he has always come into the shop with such energy. Always giving people shit and then laughing about it all. I get the feeling though that if someone crossed him, he'd morph into a monster. He's quite stout and reminds me of a guy I used to work with when I was a teenager that liked to shake my hand, only to trap me with his bear-like strength. He'd squeeze my hand so hard that I often fell to my knees and begged for mercy. I HAD TO! It hurt so damn bad. Every time he'd do it too, I'd look up and see his face to check for any sign of strain. Not once did it change from his normally expressionless face. I use the image of his face sometimes when facing pain. I think to myself that John never showed pain. Man did he love to laugh though!