Crappiest job: Selling newspapers at Kmart

Before today, I could have compiled a list of terrible jobs to have. On it would have been jobs like telemarketers or anyone in the insurance industry (yes please, sign me up to have people yell at me all day...every day. While you're at it, also sign me up to question my self worth and spiral into explosive outbursts of anger as a plea for psychiatric help). Working at Subway. That's a terrible job to have. People see Jared in the window and marvel at how he lost all that weight. They think, in their stupid little heads, that if they just did what someone else did who lost weight, they themselves could lose weight. You mean my fat ass can just eat sandwiches and lose weight? They ask for extra mayonnaise and scoff at the Indian lady behind the counter that only puts seven meat balls, not eight. Side note: all meat at Subway is turkey. Side side note: I don't think many people put mayonnaise on a meatball sub. If you are that person, I can only offer you a deadpan facial response while I think about how I wish giant ants would come to your house and crawl in your mouth in the middle of the night. Death by ant suffocation. Officially the WORST WAY TO DIE.

I was at Kmart buying something, of which I now forget. On my way to the cashier checkout line dodad thing, I hear this man talking to a couple about the newspaper. He's got a speech that he says 100 times an hour. The only reason the man is even talking to people is because he does this dirty little trick. He offers a free paper and right as you begin to approach him, he sneaks in his scripted words and hides the paper behind his desperate pleas of how he needs to feed his starving children and how his wife left him after he spent their life savings in the newspaper stock market. But if you buy now, he says, you can have an entire year for just the price of one week's paper. No one gives a shit. Who reads the newspaper to read about what happened yesterday? I can't even talk about news that happened earlier that morning without someone telling me they already read it on Reddit.

This is when it hit me. The crappiest job to have is selling newspapers at Kmart. People go to Kmart to buy whatever they want to buy. I was going to make up what people buy at Kmart but who seriously shops at Kmart? I only shop there when I have absolutely no other option. Like when my car breaks down outside of Kmart and I have to go inside to escape watching all the insanely old people struggle getting out of their ENORMOUS Cadillacs in the parking lot. That's when I shop there.